apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize