I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
