I hope my margaritas pass through security.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
