who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
21 MILFs That Made The Boys Crazy
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
23 Ladies Who Have Mastered The Art Of Squirting
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold