you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
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It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
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I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.