my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life