Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
did i just pee glitter
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
