We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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