I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
