If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
In America we eat man semen.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
