I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
