Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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