had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
