I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
