I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
