He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
