I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
