It's Friday. Sex?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
