This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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