i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
