I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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