remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
