I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Randomize
