I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
