My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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