the condom got lost in my hair
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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