alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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