Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
