I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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