I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
