I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
