Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
