can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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