I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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