im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
