When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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