the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
