why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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