We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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