Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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