sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
