This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
