made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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