first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
