Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
