you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
