i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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