ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
