it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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