The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
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