Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
