It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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