if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
