dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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