Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
