Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
