I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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