I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
