I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
