If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
