yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
