...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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