nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize